If you don't want to do something, just say you don't want to

So many pointless arguments can be short-circuited by being clear about what you want

Before unwanted phone calls were all extended warranty scams, and before call waiting was ubiquitous, there were surveys. Lots of them.

“Hello this is Samantha from blah blabbity blah, do you have a few minutes to take a survey?”

Now, taking a phone survey isn’t something I ever want to do. Nor sign a petition, or anything along those lines, just leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone, thanks. But not wanting to be too rude, I’d make an excuse, and reply something like “oh, sorry, I don’t really have time.”

This would start a pointless argument as the caller would go to the next part of their script. “It’ll be quick, just 5 minutes of your time.” Then I would have to come up with some other excuse, or just relent, because I did in fact have 5 minutes to take a stupid survey. And invariably the survey would last a lot longer than 5 minutes and be a fantastic waste of time.

So one day, fed up with this song and dance, I answered like this:

“Hello this is Alice from blah blabbity blah, do you have a few minutes to take a survey?”

”Ah, yeah, hi. So yeah, I have the time, but… I don’t really want to spend it taking a survey.”

This seemed to short-circuit the script, and the caller just said, “thank you for your time” and hung up.

I tried it the next time, and same result. I felt like I found the hack - people can’t argue with your own personal feelings and experiences, expressed as your own personal feelings and experiences. It’s very easy to set boundaries if someone tries to press up against “I don’t want to.” Just something like, “I hear you, I understand what you’re saying, but it’s not something I personally want to do and I hope you can respect that.” Then they have to make a decision to try to violate your soft boundary for something they want, or respect you and leave you alone.

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This doesn’t just apply to unwanted phone calls, of course, but it’s a way to be kind to yourself, and really, to others. So many times we have a gut reaction where we don’t want to do something, but express it by making random rationalizations, excuses, etc. And since they aren’t generally super well thought out, they become easy to argue with. And in western culture, you will get a lot of pushback.

In Japan, this doesn’t happen, because there’s a cultural understanding of imposing on someone. If someone asks you a favor, they’ll profusely apologize for the imposition. All you have to do, if you have any reason at all for not wanting to do it, is hesitate a little - “ええ, ちょっと。。。” or “ee, chotto” which roughly translates to “er, a little…” and the requestor will immediately apologize and drop it, because they understand they’re being imposing.

But in western culture, this courtesy doesn’t exist among most people. Offense can be randomly taken. Boundaries aren’t understood. Communication breaks down, because everyone is different. And enough people don’t even consider the other person in the first place, and just think they are the main character and everyone should accommodate them.

So, do yourself a kindness. If you don’t want to do something, just say you don’t want to. Even if you don’t know why yet, anyone worth talking to will either drop it or can respectfully examine why with you, without being pushy about it. But a simple “mm, I dunno, I don’t super want to do that” will help you a great deal with clear communication. This will avoid many cycles arguing about random top of the head excuses and other red herrings, when really, you aren’t going to get someone who doesn’t want to do something to do it without a cost, and that cost isn’t generally worth it.

And yeah, I don’t wanna buy the scammy extended warranty, I don’t wanna buy your timeshare, I don’t want to babysit your kids, and I don’t have a good excuse, but that doesn’t matter - I don’t want to, and that’s that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of my Saturday sitting around in my underwear playing Super Mario Wonder.