How to win every internet argument, in 5 easy steps

A foolproof guide to spending your time well and showing the world that you are so very smart

Artwork by @saddrawingsbyjace

Arguing online is very important. According to a wikipedia page that I just edited, arguing on the internet with strangers is what the smartest, most successful, and most well-adjusted people spend the majority of their time doing.

Not everyone is equally skilled at this very important activity, however, leading to awful results such as respectful discourse and greater understanding. Considering that you are right and they are wrong, this is a ridiculous result. If you find yourself even mildly understanding the other side occasionally, please read this guide for steps to remedy this situation.

1. Completely ignore context

There is nothing more big brain than reading a tweet and assuming that the stranger is talking about you, specifically, as the world does indeed revolve around you. The proper reaction is to take immediate offense and launch into why the person is being insensitive toward you, as you are obviously the target audience. The person is definitely a bad human being for making you feel mildly bad feelings, and they must feel the pain of not being considerate toward you and your ability to comprehend what they are saying.

If the tweet is something more akin to generic advice, it is really important to find an edge case that doesn’t apply and let them know about it. 280 characters is enough to enumerate every single case to which the advice does not apply, and thus if the cases aren’t enumerated, obviously the person does not know. You must let them know - they will not only enjoy this, but you will enlighten their understanding of the world, and your peers will respect you a great deal for your impressive display of intellect.

2. Move the goalposts forever

Now that you’ve made your genius response, instead of being appreciative, the original poster provides clarification, or god forbid, a counter argument to your extremely important point. This is not fair! You were simply exercising your free speech, and the original poster is now stomping all over it and try to censor you by not bowing down immediately and deleting their account.

This is no time to relent. It doesn’t really matter what they say - start doubling down. Triple down. Quadruple down.

But if the logic is getting too difficult to counter, use a simple tactic:

Change the argument completely.

You were originally talking arguing about apples? No matter, oranges are now the subject. The original poster calls you out for changing the subject? Get the upper hand by showing that they didn’t properly address your orange argument, which they must do as if they can’t address your orange argument properly, obviously they were incorrect about everything else.

If you continue to change the argument forever, you’ll never be wrong.

3. Accuse them of being a bigot / racist / Hitler

If you feel like you’re losing the upper hand, never fear - there’s a few cards you can use to get it back. These days, no matter who you are and how privileged your life actually is, you are probably a victim in some way.

(Please note that other people aren’t victims in any way, though, and thus they aren’t allowed to do this - only you are the truest, most victimy victim that has ever victimed)

Thus, if they aren’t bowing down to you immediately, there’s only one rational explanation - they’re bad. You now have free rein to accuse them of all sorts of evil - and it’s not their temporary behavior during the argument either, it’s their true innate state of being. You must let them know.

If you simply open up your eyes to just how evil and bigoted people are, miraculously you’ll see it everywhere. Everyone is just super evil, especially when they don’t agree with you telling them they are wrong and evil (not you though, you’re the only good person in the world, of course). Usually people push back against these accusations, which only further proves their true terrible nature. Checkmate.

4. Just straight up start insulting them

This is an effective strategy at any point of an argument. They might retort by saying fancy pants words like “ad hominem fallacy,” which you can just say is a dumb thing to say and made up their stupid dumb face. You can also learn a few words like “gaslighting” and “strawman” and “narcissist” and throw them out at random times, those words always fit any argument.

Some have said that if you resort to insulting someone, you’ve lost the argument. Those people are stupid and ugly, and probably have bad breath. The truth is, insulting is a sign that you’re winning. Your goal is to get their adrenaline up and less likely to engage in constructive discourse. Then they look like the dummies. Not you. You will look super smart, because you are. Super smart.

5. Show your superiority by posting to your audience that they blocked you

When someone blocks you, that means you’ve done it. You’ve proved your superiority. They are so incredibly angry and defeated that they had to do the monumentally arduous task of taking 2 seconds to hit a button. It’s not that they think you are an insufferable moron who isn’t worth their time and squished you like a bug, no no. You got into their head. Their entire existence (which revolves around you) is now forever broken. They won’t be able to continue.

You’ve won.

You now must parade your victory to your 7 followers, displaying to them how much you simultaneously don’t care but also completely owned your foe. Hopefully one of those followers will say something unkind about them as well, even though you weren’t at all trying to get support for your bruised ego. Obviously your ego is intact and you simply do not care what others think. You’re based. Tweeting about someone blocking you is the most based thing anyone can do.

To further show how much you don’t care, you can create sock puppet accounts and continue to harass them. Oh, they just want you to go away and leave them alone? That just shows how weak they are. You’re in their head. If months later you see a tweet praising them, make sure to bring up again how they blocked you, and how you don’t care at all, but just wanted to mention that they are stupid and evil and that’s why they blocked you. Everyone will believe that you are totally over it, super based, and immediately side with you.

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If you see others using a few of these strategies, don’t immediately block them. Definitely engage with them, utilizing these strategies as well. As the argument escalates, your life will be enriched, your time will be well spent, and you’ll be seen as the smartest and most morally superior person on the internet. Which you are.