4 ways to deal with someone who is upset

If you follow these four methods, you'll never have to deal with a person experiencing emotions again (because they will stop talking to you)

This dude just needs to calm down, man.

As a terminally online loser, I’ve learned a lot about human behavior and how to communicate. I will impart to you, my dear readers, the strategies I most commonly see. Just like a machine learning algorithm, if they are common strategies they must be the correct strategies, right? If all your friends jumped off a bridge, should you? According to a machine learning algorithm, yes. Obviously.

So without further ado, here are the best ways to deal with someone who is upset:

1. Say the magic words: “calm down”

The “calm down” place according to AI is one with a chair and clouds and trees, I guess.

These two words are exactly what any upset person wants to hear. It’s a lot like the advice given to people who are feeling depressed - “have you tried not being depressed?” It works every time.

They will hear the words “calm down” and immediately think, “Oh wow, you’re right. My emotions are irrational and too heightened for the situation. Thank you for the perspective and understanding.” And they will magically feel calm and happy again.

It makes sense, because all emotions should be forbidden, except for happiness. Displaying other emotions of any kind is crazy (unless you do it, then it’s totally okay). Thus, the best way to deal with someone is upset is to immediately remind them to knock it off, and calm down.

2. Play devil’s advocate

This guy seems trustworthy!

There is nothing that upset people love more than to immediately hear the other side of an argument. For example, let’s say someone is ranting about their boss making them work on a Saturday to meet an arbitrary deadline. It’s best to interrupt them mid-story and express one of the following things:

• Well, did you consider the stress your boss is under to make that request?

• Deadlines aren’t generally arbitrary, I’m guessing you haven’t been focusing on the most important work.

• You really should have gotten the project done earlier.

This recontextualization will prove to the upset person that their argument for being upset was not particularly strong, and as such they will think to themselves, “Wow, you are correct, thank you for picking apart my rant. This new perspective has given me a new lease on life. You are very appreciated.”

And you’ll be like, “You’re welcome.”

3. Dismiss their problems

This is what AI thinks the word “dismiss” evokes. A one legged woman in a desert oasis with a clock in the sand. Makes sense.

Is there anything more boring than someone complaining to you about their problems? My goodness, it’s like they’re the center of the world, right? Psh. You are the center of the world, not them. Don’t validate any of their crap.

In the earlier example of someone ranting about having to work on a Saturday, reply with the following:

• You should be grateful that you have a job in this economy, rather than complaining about it.

• Have you considered that your life is actually pretty great, if this is all you’re complaining about?

• Oh no, someone has to actually work and actually make deadlines. Imagine being so entitled that you think you shouldn’t have to do that.

The person will immediately realize that their complaints are invalid, and due to this realization, they will immediately discontinue being upset. Good. It’s unbelievable that they think they have the right to complain about things when their situation and life is better than anyone else in the entire world. This is a healthy mindset.

4. One-up them

This is what AI thinks “one-up” looks like. The movie “Up,” I guess? Except… Dumb.

When someone is ranting about something, it’s not generally an invitation for you to hear what they are saying and respond to their situation. That’s not what people want. People want you to hear their story, and immediately tell a story that dwarfs theirs. This puts what they are saying into perspective, and returns the focus to the main character life - You.

Someone is ranting about their car breaking down and how much it cost? That happened to you too, but way worse. Make sure to interrupt them, and then when you tell your story, to make it significantly longer, more detailed, and more tragic than their story, so they know that you aren’t trying to empathize via a story but are instead definitely trying to outdo them.

Do this with every story they ever tell about anything, also. People love being interrupted and one-upped. Then they know that what they say isn’t important and that you are the most important. This is a good way to stop having to deal with anyone who is upset, as they will actively avoid talking to you about it.

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Most importantly, never ever do the following:

• Actually listen to what they are saying

• Say things that let them know you understand, empathize, and care

• When appropriate, use context or even just ask directly what they are looking for, if they just wanted to vent and want comfort or validation, or if they are looking for advice or perspective, and act accordingly

Empathy is lame. Follow the 4 previous steps. The internet says so.